Stop Hurting the Woman that you Love

To the man who has hurt his partner:

"You are not always sure what happens. The arguments seem to come out of nowhere. You don’t want to talk to her that way, but the words just spill out. You’ve grabbed and pushed her before, and you were afraid last night that you might do it again. Or worse. You’re shocked at your own behavior, and you know you have to do something. Much as you hate to admit it, you know you need some help."

If this sounds a little too familiar, you are not alone. You are like thousands of other men who have struggled with abuse and/or control in their intimate relationships. You have probably asked yourself many of the same questions...

• How did it get this bad?
• Why do I get so angry?
• Why do I say/do those things?
• How do I stop acting this way?

Maybe you’ve never actually hit her:

We hear it all the time: “Yeah, I’ve said some nasty things, but I’m not an abuser – I would never actually hit her!!” There are other ways to abuse someone besides physical violence. Maybe it’s name-calling, telling her she’s worthless, a bad mother, or a loser. Perhaps you find ways to keep her from doing what she wants to do by taking her car keys or cutting up her credit cards. Your partner gets frustrated and shuts down, or freezes you out. You know what you’re doing isn’t working, but you don’t know what else to do.

There is another, better way to manage your intimate relationships. There are answers. There is help.

Don’t spend another day ‘going it alone’. Don’t waste any more time ignoring the problem or blaming others for your actions. Take charge of your life, your decisions and your actions and begin to reap the benefits of more loving, more fulfilling intimate relationships.

To the woman who has been hurt:
Maybe you are a woman who wants to better understand what your husband or boyfriend is thinking and feeling. Perhaps there are things going on in the relationship that don’t feel right, but is it really abuse? Perhaps you see him trying to change – but what is it that really needs changing? Is it just the surface behaviors that are changing, or are his changes more meaningful and lasting?

To friends and family:
You’ve seen how the couple interacts, and you know it’s not good. You are very worried about their relationship – maybe even her safety. But you haven’t interfered because you struggle to understand what is really going on. Perhaps your frustration with their behaviors has left you struggling with how to be empathic and compassionate. You need more understanding and insight into these abusive patterns to be supportive in productive ways.

To fellow health professionals and clergy:
You know that domestic abuse is all too common, but you’re not sure where to begin. Perhaps you have an odd feeling about some of the dynamics a couple is engaged in, but is it really abusive? You know that working on ‘active listening’ and understanding the ‘five love languages’ are not going to be enough for this couple. You realize that you’re working with an abusive man, and maybe you shouldn’t even be doing couple counseling. Stop Hurting will help you identify abusive and controlling relationship dynamics and understand how men get to be that way. You will read how Charlie and Randy have created a treatment approach with men that successfully intervenes in their beliefs, and emotional and behavior processes to facilitate growth and change.

With over 27 years of combined expertise and thousands of hours of therapeutic work in the area of domestic relationships, Charlie Donaldson and Randy Flood have helped many men learn to STOP HURTING THE WOMAN THEY LOVE. Now, they have compiled their combined knowledge and expertise into this down-to-earth, informative and inspirational self-help manual.

STOP HURTING THE WOMAN YOU LOVE...

1. Helps you understand the dynamics of domestic abuse; helps you understand how you find yourself being abusive and controlling.
2. Offers compassion and understanding so you can face your difficulties head-on, without overwhelming feelings of shame and guilt.
3. Gives insight into vicious cycles, patterns and pitfalls that keep you from moving forward.
4. Helps you understand your own personality and experiences so you can see more clearly why you do what you do, and why you feel how you feel.
5. Gives step-by-step guides on how to navigate through situations that usually leave you saying or doing something you later regret.
6. Gives you insight into what a ‘good’ or ‘healthy’ relationship looks like, and how to get there.

Understand your own unique personality, and how your personal experiences and beliefs influence your behaviors. Anger and domestic abuse are not “one-size-fits-all”. Take the “What Kind of Man Am I” questionnaire to better understand your self and your actions. Learn how your past experiences have brought you to where you are today. Then, utilize your newfound understanding to work toward change and contentment with your self and your relationships.

Learn how to avoid the FIVE LIES THAT RUIN LIVES, and the distorted thinking that leads to these lies.

• Learn how domestic violence and discord happens when you have distorted or unrealistic thinking about how the world should work.
• Understand the misguided choices you make as a result of trying to make the world fit that lie.
• Read stories of other men who have struggled with the same beliefs and how they were able to overcome them.

Learn simple, effective tools, like the TIME OUT and the TEMPER Technique as fast-acting alternatives to abusive behavior.

Don’t waste another minute suffering through the anger, outbursts, pain and regret.

STOP HURTING THE WOMAN YOU LOVE

Introduction: Read me first

You realize your life is like driving in traffic: gridlocked. You remember that you’ve been abusive to your partner and you know it’s not OK, but you haven’t found a better way. The Introduction gives suggestions for reading this book , as well as some commitments we ask of you so you get the most out of it.

Chapter One: It Started So Well

Then, something happened. That something is you. No one begins a relationship with the intention of creating an abusive dynamic. This chapter helps you make sense of how things went from a ‘dream come true’ to a nightmare. Most importantly, it offers inspiration and hope.

Chapter Two: The Time-Out: Avoiding Violence Now

You’ve known things needed to change for a while now. You also know these changes won’t happen overnight, and you’re committed to the process. But what do you do in the meantime? What do you do to stop the violence NOW? Learn how to use fast-acting self interventions like the Time Out and the TEMPER Technique to stop the violence before it starts.

Chapter Three: Five Lies That Ruin Lives

The bottom line is this: You life hasn’t been going well because your relationship with your partner or girlfriend is rocky. Perhaps you’re not in a relationship at all because you’ve been abusive in the past. You might be having trouble in other areas such as work. Learn how distorted thinking can create havoc in your life. Then learn how to stop this thinking and move toward more harmonious relationships.

Chapter Four: How Did I Get This Way? – The Trap

Learn how the way we socialize men in our culture has contributed to the problem of domestic abuse. Concepts like “The Man in the Box” and “Just a Girl” illustrate with great clarity how these social expectations leave many men without the necessary foundations for healthy intimate relationships. Learn how to move past the unhealthy lessons you have been taught and move toward a healthier and more satisfying personal life.

Chapter Five: The Dynamics of Domestic Abuse

Domestic abuse is a complicated and multi-layered issue. With the help of insightful tools like the Dynamics of Domestic Abuse Wheel and checklists that give you valuable insight into your own actions and behaviors, you will begin to understand on a much deeper level what exactly domestic abuse is, how it damages your relationships, and how it hurts the woman you love.

Chapter Six: What Kind of Man Am I?

Take the “What Kind of Man Am I” questionnaire to better understand your own personality and your own cycles of control and abuse. Learn about six different abusive patters and gain crucial insight into areas such as the core fear and purpose of control, triggers and tactics used with different patterns, and what your partner is experiencing. Then learn what you need to work on to become a better partner and a better man.

Chapter Seven: Anything But Feelings

Many men in our society are taught that having feelings like hurt, fear, and vulnerability make you less of a man. This training can leave a man with many problems and roadblocks to intimacy. Learn how your training as a man has compromised your emotional growth. Your emotional poverty may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility (and your right) to change and grow.

Chapter Eight: Missing Links: Empathy and Accountability

Learn how a lack of empathy and accountability robs you of personal control over your own life leaving you at risk of hurting others. Hear about how a lack of empathy and accountability has affected other men’s ability to positively change. View the practical and easy-to-follow diagram, the Cycle of Abusive Behavior and Consequences to better understand how empathy and accountability impact your relationships.

Chapter Nine: Sons and Daughters

Domestic abuse affects children. Even if the children themselves are not being abused, witnessing domestic abuse leaves scars, too. Between Chapters One and Eight, you learned that domestic abuse is not just about physical violence. Domestic abuse is any action or behavior that is used to manipulate and control your partner. Your children exist inescapably within these dynamics. In this Chapter, Randy and Charlie offer the inspiring and supportive insight and encouragement you need to stop the denial and stop the cycle of abuse.

Chapter Ten: Loving Relationships

Now the good news... With courage and determination, you’ve made it through Chapters One through Nine. You know what you are doing wrong and what needs to change. You know what a healthy relationship isn’t. In this chapter you begin to take a look at what a healthy relationship is. Gain insight into how to put love into your relationship, building your partner’s self esteem and creating a high ratio of positive interactions.

Chapter Eleven: Steps to Recovery

Power and control can be a nasty and damaging addiction. Learn what that addictive pattern looks like so you can face it head on – and win. Benefit from Charlie and Randy’s practical assistance and advice on relapse prevention, such as life change and replacement activities for controlling behavior, risk reduction, and an emergency plan to help ensure your success.

Chapter Twelve: Roadblocks

Any recovery has roadblocks, and recovery from your cycles of control and abuse are no exception. Learn how other addictions such as sex, drugs and alcohol undermine the recovery from your controlling behaviors.

Chapter Thirteen: The Continuing Journey

You’re at the end of the book. Much to your surprise, you discover that this is not the end of your journey, but the beginning. It is the beginning of a new life with new possibilities. Now you understand what needs to change, and you are willing to ask for help. This chapter offers advice on how to ask for help and how to find a therapist that is right for you. Read stories of other men, just like you, who have stepped up to the task and set out onto the road of success. Finally, a word of encouragement and hope for the journey ahead.

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